relationship frameworks
“grace is what greases the wheel and lets us get along”
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Nonviolent Communication was developed by Marshall Rosenberg as a way of speaking and listening that strips out blame and judgment so people can actually hear each other.
The intention is to connect on the level of feelings and needs, then make clear requests — turning conflict into collaboration and understanding instead of power struggles.
The four steps are:
1 - Observation (without judgment)
Describe what you see or hear as factually as possible, like a camera would capture it.
Example: “When I saw the dishes still on the counter this morning…”
Trap to avoid: mixing in evaluations (“you’re lazy”).
2 - Feelings (not thoughts or stories)
Share your emotional experience, not an analysis.
Example: “…I felt frustrated and overwhelmed.”
Trap: saying “I feel like you don’t care” (that’s a thought, not a feeling).
3 - Needs (universal human needs, not strategies)
Identify the core human need behind your feeling — respect, order, rest, connection, choice, etc.
Example: “…because I need support and a sense of shared responsibility at home.”
Trap: confusing needs with a specific demand (“I need you to wash dishes” — that’s a strategy).
4 - Requests (clear, doable, in the present moment)
Ask for an action that could meet your need, not a vague hope.
Example: “…Would you be willing to wash the dishes after breakfast today?”
Trap: turning it into a disguised demand — true NVC leaves room for “no.”
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The drama triangle is a dysfunctional social dynamic where people unconsciously slip into one of three roles:
Victim → feels powerless, wronged, or helpless. They may minimize their own abilities, lean into self-pity, or say things like “I can’t, it’s too hard.” They gain sympathy but lose agency.
Persecutor → criticizes, blames, or controls. Maintains control by attacking or dominating. They might come across as bossy, judgmental, or harsh. They avoid vulnerability by staying on the offensive.
Rescuer → tries to “save” the victim, often to feel needed. Jumps in with unsolicited help or advice, often from guilt or a need to feel important. It looks caring but actually reinforces the Victim’s helplessness and keeps themselves from tending to their own needs.
People can shift in and out of different roles. It keeps them stuck in blame, dependency, and conflict rather than responsibility and resolution.
Empowered (Winner’s) Triangle
This is the healthy flip side, where each role shifts into an empowered stance:
Victim → Creator: Takes responsibility, asks “What do I want?” and makes choices instead of staying stuck.
Persecutor → Challenger: Uses directness and boundaries constructively, challenging others to grow instead of tearing them down.
Rescuer → Coach: Supports by asking questions, empowering others to solve their own problems instead of fixing for them.
The empowered triangle replaces blame and dependency with ownership, growth, and respect.
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Attachment theory explains how early relationships with caregivers shape how we relate to others as adults. It identifies patterns in how people give and seek closeness, handle conflict, and regulate emotions.
The main adult attachment styles:
Secure → Comfortable with intimacy and independence, communicates needs clearly, trusts easily.
Anxious → Craves closeness, fears abandonment, often seeks reassurance, can get clingy or overthink.
Avoidant → Values independence, keeps distance emotionally, may struggle to share feelings or rely on others.
Disorganized → Mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving; can be unpredictable in relationships.
The framework helps you understand patterns in relationships, why conflicts repeat, and how to move toward more secure, balanced connections.